Hollywood Assistant

Real life, it's been great the last year and a half and I salute you. But...

I want to go back to school.

Not because I love the education system so much, or because I want to shower myself with degrees so other people will think I'm smart. I am simply tired of driving in traffic to get other people's lunch and in turn getting paid in Monopoly money.

Ok, well I don't really get paid in Monopoly money, but it's not much. I get it, you have to pay your dues to get anywhere in the world these days, but you also have to go to college. It seems you should be able to graduate with a four year degree and move into something a little more substantial rather than an unpaid internship.

Photo courtesy of www.quickmeme.com

So I go to college, get the degree of my choice, and go out in the world to get the unpaid internship or entry level job where I am paid a below entry level salary and my life begins to swirl around venti iced decaf americano's with three splenda and non-fat latte's. And don't forget the splenda.

Assistant life sucks.

If this is what majority of people my age spend their 20's doing, then what's the point of going to college? I've met all kinds of people from 20 to 30 years old who are still doing unpaid internships and getting agents and managers pumpkin spice lattes every four hours. Not exactly your idea of a dream job.

It's virtually impossible to be taken seriously when you're in your 20's, unless you invented Facebook.

All the while, the people you're supposedly working for are telling you that if you keep working hard they'll find a place for you. Crap. As long as you look good and your ass-kissing skills remain on point, they'll figure something out for you, but they couldn't care less about your actual skills, you know, all that knowledge you just spent thousands of dollars on. Forgettaboutit.

It's about knowing people. That's how I got the job I have now. I knew my boss prior to asking him for a job. I was so desperate to have something, I took the job out of fear of being totally bored, so I became his assistant, getting his coffee, filing his papers, and so on.

Photo courtesy www.knowyourmeme.com

Yes, I once had an internship for three days in a PR office and the CEO still filed paper. The three female interns had to rush up to his desk when he announced "Filing," and literally catch the papers as he threw them at us.

I had been warned about what I was getting myself into before I took the internship, but I was up for the task and wanted the PR experience. Not to mention the entertainment PR industry is fascinating, even if I never saw myself in it.

After three days I had never been more creeped out in my life. I am not one to quit a job (or an unpaid internship), but there was absolutely no way I was going to survive a three-month internship in that environment even if I had been promised to become a "junior publicist." I felt like I was in a harem, or some kind of sister wife or something.

After the first (and only) three days, I made the bold decision to resign and to never step foot in that office ever again. The other interns and I decided that the best way to go about doing it was to wait until the end of the day when he was leaving.

In true Hollywood Executive fashion, we had to help him put his jacket on, grab his keys, and carry his brief case and camera (around our necks) down to his car. He wouldn't carry anything himself, so I volunteered to do it for the first and last time.

"So I bet you're pretty worn out after your first week here, huh," he said.

"Nah, not really. I actually feel pretty good," I replied.

Pause. Cut to puzzled look of Exec, as I continue...

"I would like to thank you for the opportunity to work at your company, but after today I will no longer be interning here."

"Ok....may I ask why?" he said.

"Well, to be honest with you, I've taken an assistant position at a music management office and I need the money right now," I said.

"So you're telling me you willingly took this internship and made a commitment to this company but that you were still actively looking for other jobs?"

BINGO.

Now, you'd have to be crazy to not to think that every unpaid intern out there is looking for a paid job. I went on to tell the man that his company was not conducive to good work and that there was absolutely no way I was going to put in a "two weeks," or anything close to it. I was done, and his intimidating demeanor did nothing for me.

I've been in Los Angeles for nearly a year and a half and it's safe to say the chrome isn't as shiny as it was on day one. Lunch orders are the same, mailers go out, and phone calls are transfered, and even though I haven't made my way back into sports yet, I shouldn't complain too much. A job is a job and I have one a lot of people would kill for.

I am grateful, but also anxious for the future, and what lies in assistant afterlife. And dammit, I will get there before I turn 30.

This misadventure has been one of the stranger ones, but lesson learned: you have to try a lot of things before you realize what you're truly in love with, and when you do figure that out, find a way to make it happen.